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Friday, November 21, 2008, 09:30
Whatever else the United Nations was thinking of when it made today World TV Day, I’m willing to bet it wasn’t Special Needs Pets (C4, 9pm).
It flies – and barks and miaows – in the face of the worthy old UN "cultural programming on the topics of peace, security and economic and social development".
Animal lovers poured pets into nappies, and a half-paralysed rabbit whizzed about in a wheelchair.
You couldn’t help feeling the animals were sick and it was the owners with special needs. Why would they put their pets through this?
The answer seemed to be that any semblance of a line between "beloved pet" and "child substitute" had completely disappeared. And I speak as someone who feeds her cat macaroni pudding and bought him a duvet.
The programme wasn’t really about anything other than "Look at this! Look! Pets! In wheelchairs!"
In Wales, Zoe is taking a nappy off her rabbit, Ethel, paralysed after a mystery illness and who now has a wheelchair.
In Birmingham, Sue’s dog, Katie, a Jack Russell, keeps falling over. Sue’s mum Doris is a chirpy soul: "She’s ruined!". I think she means the dog.
And who’d keep parrots? They are all mentally ill, by the look of this. One’s on "parrot Prozac".
Another – and this is sensitively set to a groaning porno soundtrack – is oversexed.
"Do you want to see what he does with a chicken bone?" her owner asks. Yes, we do. Please. But the ad break cuts in and we’re back with merchant banker James, who has to squeeze his cat’s bladder for him after it was run over. Eeewww.
Bob and Angela make pet wheelchairs.
He’s a matter-of-fact chap, Bob: "I’ve done sheep, rabbits, cats and a deer. Well, I had the order for the deer, but it died."
We meet Flynn, a boisterous bloke who makes pets false legs.
"If I could travel back in time, there’s no reason why I couldn’t do a large brachiosaur." Barking.
At the end, they all justify why they haven’t put their pets down, with varying degrees of plausibility.
The only one who seemed happy was Sue, off for a walk with Katie and Doris in her wheelchair.
All very nice – but we never did find out what that parrot does with a chicken bone.
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